So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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