the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
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I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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