I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He? As in you personified your dick?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
