My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
