I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize