Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
