One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
