so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
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Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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