there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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