i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
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I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
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Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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