eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
