Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
