he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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