i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I touched a dick in church today
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
