Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
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He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
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Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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