I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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