You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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