This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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