More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
