Apparently you make a good broom.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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