im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
