i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
