So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
