Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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