My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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