Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .