Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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