margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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