Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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