If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
