Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
