East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
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