He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
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You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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