i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
