2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
i've created a new STD.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
