I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
