if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
