And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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