saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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