hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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