I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
