but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
