I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
