My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
