I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
