SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
