so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
