How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
