I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
