I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
