Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
There are leaves in my underwear?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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