I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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