He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
