Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
